Art- Valdris Bagdonis
It is often said that on the other side of Fear is everything you could ever want.
As a Witch, I struggled with the shadow of my fear, afraid to move away from the comfortable box which I had sheltered myself within.
For so long, I had survived.
It was all I knew how to do, and though I felt a piece of myself was always missing, always longing to truly live rather than struggle through, I could not seem to fathom how to get to that place.
I hid away in the material, telling myself it was enough, and took pains to begin shaping a half life within a spiritual vortex, yearning for one that had deeper meaning, and though much of what I discovered in my spiritual travels did touch my soul and deliver lessons, the foundations were still chaining me instead of allowing me to stretch my Fox limbs and shift around the night time forest floor.
Change always seemed to have a cost; it was painful, it came whether I wanted it to or not, and in fairness it was usually very unwelcome.
The path of the Morrigan can be one of trial, where change feels like the slashing of a sharp blade in bloody combat.
Each time I raised my shield, my arms shuddered from the contact of the blade burying itself into my metal as I girded myself, dug my heels in, and refused to move.
The lesson was not there.
The lesson was in the surrender, in the dropping of the shield in order to trust; to allow the blade to pierce your skin, in doing so it pierces the void, and life force comes flowing from the wound. Change is cut into my skin, and for the first time in my life I understand what the Morrigan meant when she told me in meditation that;
“If you would not give your very last drop of blood for this course, then you do not desire or deserve it.”
For the first time in a long time, one Taurus New Moon, I truly emotionally broke down. It was too much, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever connect. Would I ever feel truth and love flowing through my veins? Or was this half life all I could achieve?
A part of me screamed out into the void that night, I know that now, screeching the War Cry of Badb that signified readiness, and a part of me died and was gone, as the synchronicities began in droves.
I awoke from the dreams that birthed this change in body wracked sobs; whatever this feeling was, where ever it led, I wanted to follow it, even if I was terrified.
In the moments that followed I simply accepted it was real, and channeled my fire as I had been instructed; “be the torch that guides destiny home”… was the message that I had received. So I surrendered again, and change, change was so close, and so fast, so ready to respond to this summoning from my heart and soul that I was mesmerized by the universal ballet that seemed to simply align.
The universe moved.
I had never seen anything like it, and initially struggled with the usual suspects of fear; self doubt and wondering, did I deserve this?
I can’t tell you I deserve it, but I can be deserving of it. I can honour the process, and feel the fear, but sit with it, reach out and hold its hand, and walk together into the future.
I did not realise
That my soul too has bones
And that ache goes deeper
Than any tide before it
How can anything else ever compare
Once you realise you have soul bones
And the electric current that feeds them
– Joey Morris 2017
Many Blessings and Fluxy beginnings, Starlet
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